SEX.

… if you’re lucky enough to get it on a regular basis and you wish to keep it that way—avoid, I repeat; AVOID at all cost saying the following:

Men’s Edition:

  1. Naked you look like my mom
  2. Here’s my Ten-inch Porcupine penis!
  3. Ever heard of Donkey Punch?
  4. Do you do this for a living?
  5. My ex used to do that and she was actually good at it.
  6. Two word sweetheart: liposuction Junction.
  7. Meh, prison sex was way better.
  8. Let’s do it in Grandma’s coffin
  9. I’ve never been with a sober woman before.
  10. Can I put a bag over your head?

Women’s Edition:

  1. Here’s my Vagina Dentata!
  2. Is it in yet?
  3. What string?
  4. My husband is a Navy Seal
  5. Vienna Sausages are… good, yeah sure, why not?
  6. Only my brother, dad and uncle can touch me there mister.
  7. Will it break if I bend it this way?
  8. Ever heard of: Penis meet hot needle?
  9. Your stretch marks are not racing stripes Bozo.
  10. Ever try two blue pills?

Remember kids: The pleasure is in the journey. The same goes for writing.

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