Pimping Books.

pimp-hatA book pimp is essentially what a writer has to become in this day and age. Reductive? Heck, downright insulting, but it’s true. I love the freedom that self-publishing provides, I do this mainly because I love to write an entertaining good story, I don’t do it for fame, nor do I want fame, I don’t do it for money or poontang—God knows I get none of the above by doing this, but I’ve come to the realization that I’m essentially running a business, a business that’s bleeding money because I suck at pimping books.

Granted, I haven’t been in the game for long, but I’m starting to see why many a self-published writer drops the towel and quits the game. Writing the book is half the battle, promoting the thing, now there’s a skill no one tells you about—I don’t have it, because I never been a salesman, let alone a ‘self-promoter.’ I feel icky pushing what I write onto people’s faces, it can get frustrating, depressing and some would say ‘undignified.’

Blowjobs for reviews is no way to go through life (unless that’s your thing, in which case; carry on).

Why all the bellyaching you ask when all I have to do is pursue a deal with a ‘reputable’  gate keeper, eh…I mean; publisher? Lots of reasons, mainly I don’t think they’ll like what I write, I’m not a ‘literary’ guy, I write what entertains me and hopefully, is what will entertain the few folks who are kind enough to read my stuff. Publishers have the annoying tendency to tell writers what they should or should not write. They take more than they give; they hardly do any promotion, which is what a writer needs the most. The list goes on…and on.

I wish I had the promotional budget of the Coca-Cola Company to promote my books, because I run on a tight budget, I’m not rich (even though I spend most of my time at my job, hmm) So by the time I’m finished paying the editor/s, book formatter, securing a copyright, and buying images for the book cover. I’m left with zero budget for promotion, which sends the book into oblivion. I repeat: I never been a salesman, nor do I have the desire to become one, but it looks like I have to become that which I hate the most; a shameless fucking salesman. (No offence to those of you who are. A tip of the hat to you, that shit ain’t easy).

Hand jobs for a five star review on Amazon… sir? Madam? Gimp? Anybody…?

Truthfully, I’d rather be writing my next book. That being said, and after deciding to forgo a visit to the dentist (yet again)fingers cross, this upcoming Monday I’ll dip my toes into the murky waters of buying ads. So far I’ve learned that Twitter seems to be the easiest, Facebook on the other hand seems daunting, I hardly understand that platform as it is, hence the reason why I’m hardly on there—aside from the occasional post. I don’t even know how to join Facebook groups, or ‘like’ other people’s postings on it. Google AdWords seems to be the toughest, but hey, we’ll see how it goes.

How is this for my very first sales pitch? ‘Drop your knickers we got a book to sell!’ I hate myself already, stay tune for partie deux.

Great, now I want a Coke, and so do you. See what I mean?

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