Fifteen Years Ago.

wikipedia_org

Due to the fact that I’m a night owl, I tend to sleep late. It wasn’t any different fifteen year ago, when New York stood still. Back then, I used to live in a studio apartment, located on the last stop of the N train in Astoria, Queens— one of my favorite neighborhoods in this city. Back then, we were coming down from a Rock ‘n Roll high call the late 90’ when Britpop owned the airwaves, and we were entering the dreaded Nu Metal phase. That’s probably when my interest in music began to dwindle—never cared about that genre.

My favorite song became Clint Eastwood by Gorillaz

That September morning the phone kept ringing off the hook, I picked it up. It was a good friend of mine telling me to turn the TV, I did—no signal on any channel, (I didn’t have cable) then he told me that there was an accident at the World Trade Center, he said that a plane had crashed on one of the buildings, and that he was getting the fuck out of there.

He was working as a landscaper inside of the WTC.

Since there were no TV signals, I tried the radio, which at the time I had permanently tuned to the Howard Stern Show; this was way before the FCC made him jump to Sirius radio. Howard had a minute to minute play on what was going on—then he said that a second plane had hit the other building, at first I thought he was fucking around, then the phone rang again; it was my sister, then my mother, calling to see if I wasn’t at work even though they knew that I worked nights at a bar in Soho. The first attack to the WTC was in 1993, I remember the perpetrators’ being caught fairly quickly. Who knew that this time around things were going to be different?

My friend the landscaper got out of there unscathed, he later told me all about the horrendous things he saw that day, which I will not repeat. He is now a happily married father of one, a boy, and I hope that someday he writes about what he went through that day. The smell of burnt asbestos lingered for weeks, I’ll never forget it–It smelled like cancer.

It didn’t take long for the drums of war to become louder, and louder.  The rest, as they say is history.

Please, take a moment to remember the lives that were lost that day.

Snowcalipse Post Four

america-dumbest-criminals

Image Credit: laceyentertainment.com

Okay enough with the video games already, let’s get back to the meat and potatoes of this site shall we? And by the by; this is the last of the so called-Snowcalipse post (Yeah I can hear the collective sigh of relief) Anyway…Back in 1996 there was a little syndicated TV show call America’s Dumbest Criminals. Some of the stories on that show were hilarious because as we all know criminals say and do a lot of dumb shit and dumb shit’s funny. Anyway while staying put during Snowcalipse, I took the liberty of transcribing five of those stories here for your reading pleasure, enjoy.

*

A guy gets arrested and booked for a string of vending machine robberies; bail was set at $400.00. He made his phone call and waited for his girlfriend to arrive with the money. Eventually she did, bringing bail money for her paramour. All fifteen hundred quarters.

*

4:00 a. m. Las Vegas

A patrolman sees a white van swerving all over the road, he pulls the van over. As the officer approaches the van he sees the driver sliding to the passenger seat. The officer ask for his license and registration.

“It wasn’t me officer,” says the drunken driver, “I wasn’t driving… it was him,” he says while pointing at a giant Teddy bear who’s been sitting quietly in the backseat.

*

Mr. Larry Johnston of New York was issued 2,800 parking tickets between the years of 1985 and 1988. He used 19 different addresses and 36 license plates in order to evade paying the $150,000.00 in fines.

*

Joey was a well-known fellow in the neighborhood, he was harmless if a bit delusional, but also known for not being ‘all there.’

Cops get a call about a suspicious individual walking around sporting a brown paper bag over his head, when an officer gets there, right away he knows who it is under the paper bag and says.

“Joey what are you doing with a paper bag over your head?”

Joey was also known to be a very unattractive guy. Joey says.

“Just trying to get a date.”

Okay that previous anecdote was more sad than criminal, however, please—ugly or not—do yourself a favor and don’t walk around with a brown paper bag over your head.

*

An officer tells on the stand, on how two dumb criminals had their number come up by saying that while patrolling the streets one night, he came across a cash dispensing machine with its chain still attached to one end; while the other end was attached to a car bumper.

Cash machine and bumper; just lying there in the middle of the road.

Well it turns out that the bumper still had the perpetrators license plate on it.

*

Sadly the TV show is no longer around, but you can still find a bunch more of these morsels at the America’s Dumbest Criminals website.

Hilarious shit I tell ya. Later Sport .