SEX.

… if you’re lucky enough to get it on a regular basis and you wish to keep it that way—avoid, I repeat; AVOID at all cost saying the following:

Men’s Edition:

  1. Naked you look like my mom
  2. Here’s my Ten-inch Porcupine penis!
  3. Ever heard of Donkey Punch?
  4. Do you do this for a living?
  5. My ex used to do that and she was actually good at it.
  6. Two word sweetheart: liposuction Junction.
  7. Meh, prison sex was way better.
  8. Let’s do it in Grandma’s coffin
  9. I’ve never been with a sober woman before.
  10. Can I put a bag over your head?

Women’s Edition:

  1. Here’s my Vagina Dentata!
  2. Is it in yet?
  3. What string?
  4. My husband is a Navy Seal
  5. Vienna Sausages are… good, yeah sure, why not?
  6. Only my brother, dad and uncle can touch me there mister.
  7. Will it break if I bend it this way?
  8. Ever heard of: Penis meet hot needle?
  9. Your stretch marks are not racing stripes Bozo.
  10. Ever try two blue pills?

Remember kids: The pleasure is in the journey. The same goes for writing.

Elevator Pitch.

No such thing as giggles and laughter when riding an elevator these days seems everyone’s bummed out, also primates don’t like to draw attention to themselves while in the confines of a small space. If you want to break away from the pack, try these memba berries.

  1. Say to the nearest person: “I told her about the AIDS thing and she’s cool with it. Can you believe it? How did it go with you?”
  2. Say to no one in particular: The Devil Knows Thy Name.
  3. Before leaving the elevator; turn around, shake your head and say: ‘Dullards one and all.”
  4. Pick your nose. Oh, you don’t do that? Pick someone else’s nose then.
  5. Pretend you’re about to toss your cookies. Better yet toss your cookies. Hard and fast.
  6. Got a Kazoo? Pull it out and play that sucka like you’re Chuck Mangione.
  7. Vigorously scratch your crotch area and say “Crabs. You’ve gotta to love ‘em!”
  8. Anytime someone enters the elevator you must say: “Welcome to Valhalla.” Note: it sounds way cooler in Dutch: “Van harte welkom om Walhalla.”
  9. Anytime someone enters the elevator take their picture and say that is for your nutjobs, low lives, and loser’s collection.
  10. Disrobe, if someone complains say that it’s fucking hot and they should do the same.
  11. Now that the embargo is dunzo get yourself a giant Cuban cigar—light up buddy boy.
  12. Do NOT fart just yet, wait ‘til you’ve reached your floor, let it rip and exit the car. Who doesn’t like a fart joke?