… if you’re lucky enough to get it on a regular basis and you wish to keep it that way—avoid, I repeat; AVOID at all cost saying the following:

Men’s Edition:

  1. Naked you look like my mom
  2. Here’s my Ten-inch Porcupine penis!
  3. Ever heard of Donkey Punch?
  4. Do you do this for a living?
  5. My ex used to do that and she was actually good at it.
  6. Two word sweetheart: liposuction Junction.
  7. Meh, prison sex was way better.
  8. Let’s do it in Grandma’s coffin
  9. I’ve never been with a sober woman before.
  10. Can I put a bag over your head?

Women’s Edition:

  1. Here’s my Vagina Dentata!
  2. Is it in yet?
  3. What string?
  4. My husband is a Navy Seal
  5. Vienna Sausages are… good, yeah sure, why not?
  6. Only my brother, dad and uncle can touch me there mister.
  7. Will it break if I bend it this way?
  8. Ever heard of: Penis meet hot needle?
  9. Your stretch marks are not racing stripes Bozo.
  10. Ever try two blue pills?

Remember kids: The pleasure is in the journey. The same goes for writing.

Petrocelli-Book Review.

petrocelli-jpgRight off the bat I must say that this was not an easy read for me; very few things make me uncomfortable, this book did that to me, which is a testament to talented author John Rachel and his well-researched hard-hitting eye-opening novel.

Small time crocked low life ‘Lucky’ Lenny Petrocelli becomes embroiled in the sexual exploitation and trafficking of minors for an outfit operating out of Chicago; New Yorker Lenny is way over his head. And while the Djin Djin girls ply their trade in the dirty streets of Brooklyn, Bishop Mulcahy and a brutal serial killer with a messiah complex try to clean the streets. The Bishop by railing the community, the serial killer with brutality learned in the Vietnam War. Multiple story lines converge to make Petrocelli a compelling read worthy of a place in the New York Times Best Seller List as stories like this one are worthy of National attention, as the ‘Author’s Note’ reads in the introduction: … “It is currently estimated that human trafficking is annually a 36 billion dollar business worldwide. I have also read there are more than 25 million people in the world kept in bondage as slaves. I fear this is a low figure.” Another thing of note is that despite the subject matter; author John Rachel writes in a witty, world weary manner, with believable characters in a world where greed rules; profit above all else, even the lives of innocent children. Powerful stuff.

5 out of 5

Elevator Pitch.

No such thing as giggles and laughter when riding an elevator these days seems everyone’s bummed out, also primates don’t like to draw attention to themselves while in the confines of a small space. If you want to break away from the pack, try these memba berries.

  1. Say to the nearest person: “I told her about the AIDS thing and she’s cool with it. Can you believe it? How did it go with you?”
  2. Say to no one in particular: The Devil Knows Thy Name.
  3. Before leaving the elevator; turn around, shake your head and say: ‘Dullards one and all.”
  4. Pick your nose. Oh, you don’t do that? Pick someone else’s nose then.
  5. Pretend you’re about to toss your cookies. Better yet toss your cookies. Hard and fast.
  6. Got a Kazoo? Pull it out and play that sucka like you’re Chuck Mangione.
  7. Vigorously scratch your crotch area and say “Crabs. You’ve gotta to love ‘em!”
  8. Anytime someone enters the elevator you must say: “Welcome to Valhalla.” Note: it sounds way cooler in Dutch: “Van harte welkom om Walhalla.”
  9. Anytime someone enters the elevator take their picture and say that is for your nutjobs, low lives, and loser’s collection.
  10. Disrobe, if someone complains say that it’s fucking hot and they should do the same.
  11. Now that the embargo is dunzo get yourself a giant Cuban cigar—light up buddy boy.
  12. Do NOT fart just yet, wait ‘til you’ve reached your floor, let it rip and exit the car. Who doesn’t like a fart joke?

San Junipero.


Image Credit:

There’s this show call Black Mirror which I’ve been harping about since its inception, because aside from being a well-written and well-acted show, with top notch direction; it reminds me of the old Twilight Zone. I’ve seen the third season already and it’s fantastic, except for the ‘Nosedive’ episode, (Bryce Dallas-Howard is a great actress but for some reason, I didn’t like that episode, maybe a little too predictable?). The other standout episodes of this season for me were: ‘Hated in the Nation’ and ‘Shut up and Dance’ (Shut up and Dance being the bleakest one) ‘San Junipero’ seems to be the true stand out episode of the season, let me whet your appetite on it…

A girl named Yorkie (like the dog) is a new comer to the fictionalize 80’s California surf- town of San Junipero, we first see her climbing out of a car playing Belinda Carlisle’s ’87 hit ‘Heaven is a Place on Earth’ A giant poster of 80’s vampire flick The Lost Boys greets her. Bespectacled, mousy and shy Yorkie spots Kelly; the quintessential 80’s cool chick and follows her into a club named Tucker’s where the DJ spins nothing but 80s tunes. Yorkie seems /feels out of place, she heads to the arcade machines and plays Bubble Bobble a fellow player entices her to play Top Speed—at first we don’t get why Yorkie doesn’t want to play a game about car crashes, we’ll soon learn why.

Kelly (Gugu Mbatha-Raw) meets Yorkie (Mackenzie Davis) while trying to ditch her new boy toy, a guy name Wes, who warns her “Two hours thirty five. Not much time left.”  Kelly rejects Wes by saying she wants to spend time with her ‘friend,’ who only has six months to live, her ‘friend’ Yorkie replies “Five.”  Kelly invites Yorkie to dance, Yorkie replies, “Dance floors aren’t my thing. I can’t.”  We, the audience don’t know yet, that the real Yorkie is telling the truth when she says, “I’ve never been on a dance floor.” She then runs outside, it’s raining while the song ‘You’re a Fake, baby’ plays, she holds her foot out in front of herself, as if admiring her ability to do so.

And so begins San Junipero, my favorite episode of Black Mirror Season Three, where things are not always what they seem and danger, death and dread are just around the corner. With this episode, the show seems to stray away (albeit momentarily) from the usual Black Mirror canon of having us see technology as warping humanity. This episode offers hope in the face of mortality, where two people use technology to connect with each other and find true love.

Go stream it.